Okay, I'm going to let you in on a little secret. There's this spot where cool people sometimes hang out, but you can only hang out there if you're cool. If you hang out there and you're not cool, no other cool people will show up and it might start raining. You could even lose your house.

In 1995, my best friend was actually an IP address. He got a load of discrimination, especially at the local clubs. Everyone else in them were just people, which is pretty boring compared to being an IP address. Here is an average day in the life of my mate the IP address compared to a day in the life of a normal person.

7:25 AM. The IP address blasts out of bed with a jetpack and lands on a massive motorbike with 9 engines. He speeds down the street, high-fiving people on the way down, and arrives next to the classiest club in town. He high-fives the bouncer but the bouncer doesn't let him in because he was just an IP address. So the IP address gets out a can of whoop-ass, but he forgot his can opener but it doesn't matter because one of the people he high-fived on the way there had one in his pocket, and he lent it to the IP address, who opened the can. But there wasn't even any whoop-ass inside the can, all there was was this bow tie, but the IP address managed to kick the bouncer's ass using a bow tie anyway. The IP address even learnt a valuable lesson: always high-five everyone.

By comparison, the normal person scratched his bottom and watched Ready Steady Cook.

Have you ever known some guy or lady who had a really secret aspect to them but you couldn't work out what it was? This crisp packet I used to know always got really shifty whenever I walked past his house, and he'd wring his hands whenever anyone mentioned calculators. It turns out he didn't want anyone to know that his grandparents were really into dog food. I don't blame him either, once I found out where they lived I just had to see. Their ENTIRE HOUSE was made of the stuff. All the flowers in the garden were made of little chew toys and the washing line was a great big string of novelty sausages. I'm not even going to talk about what I found when I went to the bathroom. I invited my mate James round there once, and he poked this speaker for some reason and loads of little dog biscuits squirted out into his eyes. He couldn't see for years. It was okay though, because he just poked everything to find out what its story was. Eventually he poked this joke recorder that I had lying around, and it shot itching powder at him. You could say James is a pretty unlucky guy. I guess you'd be right.

This other guy I know is really good at bricking things. What bricking things is is when you break something really badly and then all it's useful for is building houses. Actually there's a project in africa to build houses for starving children out of old mobile phones. I should invite my friend there because he could brick all the lions and tigers, because he's so good at it. He went to the zoo once and then he left and they went out of business because all the monkeys thought they were elephants and the elephants thought they were 3-star hotels. It was horrible. This little kid saw all this going on and his eyes couldn't take it so they turned into scissors and now the poor kid has to go around with scissors for eyes, and you know what kids are like with that kind of thing. He's not even allowed to run. Did you know that if you run with scissors you'll take someone's eye out? I know, it's crazy. Even if you're the only one around for miles, as soon as you exceed 10mph with a pair of scissors, some bloke's eyes will pop out in the next town. And you'd better hide the scissors before you get there or he'll know it was you. But imagine this kid! He can't hide the scissors because they are his eyes! If you've ever tried to hide your actual eyes you'll find it's actually really easy, but it's dead hard to find them again.

I wonder if, if as you're walking, you slowly ramp up the speed, the dude's eyes will gradually bulge outwards, and nearly be popping out but not quite, like they probably would in space? Someone should test it, and then they should actually go to space as a control test. Control tests are fantastik.

My mate Gerbet the extension sign did a control test once. They were trying to find out how many pamphlets you could eat before all you were was some weirdo who eats pamphlets. Turns out it was 1.

What would be really cool is if you dug a hole in the ground and then you stood in the hole and declared yourself a sovereign state. There wouldn't be much anyone could do about it because if they tried to man handle you, you could just retreat a bit more into the hole. You could even fill the hole with perfume or something so when the police came they'd be so attracted to you they'd do pretty much anything you wanted. Like if you wanted the lights off, you could just tell the policeman you loved him, and his head would explode, and then the lights might turn off.

That reminds me actually, I knew this policeman once and he had this room in his house where all the walls of the room were just doors. If you wanted to go into the room you didn't have to remember where the entrance was, you could just go in anywhere. And if you were in the room you wouldn't know where people were going to come in, so you had to be on your toes. If you'd just woken up and you were still a bit tired you just had to go into the room and it put you on edge a bit. He called it the happening room. It was a good idea in theory, but all it really got used for was storing biros.

It would be good if everything in the world had a coin slot on it. Even a cheesegrater or an elephant's butt. That way if you had any spare money you could just insert it in a cloud or a flower, and it might get donated to a charity, or maybe it would serve you a beer. The idea already works because my mate Mantab put keyholes in everything once so you could unlock a pencil or an umbrella. Did you know that earthworms aren't actually really boring, you just have to unlock them. They can actually play backgammon. Eventually they had to take the keyholes off because people just put chewing gum in them.

Okay so...who hacked fant?

Hi, I put my story in bigger font because someone said it would make it easier to read and then someone might actually READ IT.... I'll let you know you're missing out on a hilarious story. (See? I realy AM a comedian)

Well, I'm quite familiar with the brand of humor that you're attempting here, so I guess I can write a criticism here and not feel bad about it.

First of all, there's no story. It's all just "I know this guy" and "what would be cool is". The paragraphs don't have much organization and there's not really anything tying into the next part. As such, it's more like reading a list than an actual story.

I can see that you're going for satire here, and you mostly succeed. However, you have a tendency to not write about much and have to wring all you can about absolutely everything. Satires are meant to point out familiar things in a humorous way, not analyze it until it becomes boring. So make your satific comments more like footnotes and less like paragraphs.

I've always found that satire doesn't really work when written in the first person, especially the way you did it. It's supposed to be written as fact and interpreted as so. It's awfully hard to accept something as a fact when the reader feels like he's hearing a bar tale.

Great start, and I'm glad that we've got a satiric writer is about. But definitely work to improve. Not that great as it is.

Well thank you very much fearful ferret. Thank you for giving me critisism AND for reading my story. It wasn't so much a story but an article or something, I just called it a story. But I'm sure this review will help me very much anyway.

Thank you.

I would read it, but you claim yourself a comedian, and the last time I checked the only time a comedian writes a book is when it's an autobiography (Ron White - I had the right to remain silent). And plus, I'm a comedian, I actually do stand-up, so if I finally stop being lazy one of these days I'll think about reading more than the first paragraph of that.