Short reply, I don't have too much time. Sorry about the shitty lack of quotes but yeah, time issue.
1. Paragraphs - yeah, they don't necessarily have line breaks after them (in fact I think it's technically bad form to put blank lines in between paragraphs, though I may be wrong there). It's usually just a first line indent to show a new paragraph. Keep in mind that when quoting text over 3 lines (I don't think this actually applies to speaking) you use a colon and indent the text with a blank line before and after it. Aside from formatting for section titles and such that's the only time I can think of where a blank line definitely should be used.
2. "I did it like that..." I exaggerated for effect, I have a tendency to do that I'm afraid But there were some parts like that, not as bad as my example but still in need of fixing. And I don't think anyone's competent enough to be an author when they write their first book. It's more a matter of having the patience, will and dedication to actually do it. The rest comes with practice I guess, though hey, I've never written anything longer than 50 pages so I really don't know haha.
3. Different speakers part: Whoops, I didn't realise they were different speakers, I thought it was all the same person. That's the right way to do it (though on different lines of course) in this situation, and I think it really emphasises the point of having conversations on different lines.
4. If you feel inclined, please post larger excerpts. I like editing writing for the most part and I'd be happy to help more if I can.
5. I'm glad you see what I meant there, I kinda hit a roadblock explaining it. But yeah, using dialogue and narrative to convey detail is important. Try to have your details lead somewhere so it doesn't slow the whole thing down. Also, the more interesting the description the better, use (but don't overuse) comparisons and interesting, though not necessarily big, words to help paint a more vivid picture.

Paragraphs can have a line break and an indent but it is preferred that you choose one or the other.
Doing both is technically repetitive since both will tell the reader a new paragraph has begun.
I generally recommend using indents if you're short on line space or if it's a story.
Indents have a seemingly nicer flow whilst line spaces are more formal. (Example in business letters each paragraph is its completely own statement, while in stories they're interconnected.)

Oh, despite all my tense errors I still got a good grade on my first draft entry. In fact, the only thing I got marked down for was it being just over four pages.

Okay then. Guess I'm setting myself to too high of a standard.

Are you in college or high school?

High school, but it's the highest level writing class that's offered. Funny that it has such low standards.

CrazyMLC:
Pretty cool story, short and to the point with a nice twist that I didn't see coming.
I started editing a few things but gave up partway through cause of tense issues. You start in first person present which I find tends to be a stupid and difficult tense to write well in and then swap to past tense pretty much exclusively pretty quickly.
I'd suggest changing the first page to mirror the rest by rewriting it in past tense. After that it'll be easier for people to nitpick other issues, but it seems pretty solid for the most part. Some of the details about fans and junk is feel a bit forced upon reading (I did the same thing with some or maybe all of my short stories back in high school) and should be rewritten, but I don't see any glaring issues other than the tense problem. Good job getting a good mark.

Thanks for the feedback, Bad Boy. I left some replies on the second draft in case you're interested.

I finally stopped slacking, and finished what I think may be the Final draft?