What the ♥♥♥♥ HK.
Create a new me. Have a reincarnation clause written in.

Rawlawl

unwoundpath [5]
"AHHHHHHHHhhh!!!!"
You kick the ottoman, and it flies out of your windshield, transforming into an Ottoman! He then brandishes a sword! Ohno!
Status:
- Owner

caekdaemon [3+1=4]
You see a moose, and open your maw wide, firing a tentacle out and impaling the moose.
You then snap the tentacle back, and swallow the moose whole before dissolving its biomass into you.
Chewy!
Abilities:
- Animal Magnetism
- Human Female Magnet
- Tentacles
- Maple Blood (+1 to rolls)
Inventory:
- Sworddick
Status:
- Treestuck

Glowsticks (Bjorn Svenson) [-]
YOU FIRE A SUPER ANTI COP BLAST.
HALF THE POLICE ARE NOW DEAD. YOUR BLAST ONLY HIT 1 HALF OF THE PLANET.
YOU DECIDE TO TAKE A BEARNAP.
Inventory:
- Ski Mask
Status:
- ♥♥♥♥ THE POLICE I'M A BEAR

Izen [10]
"Bitchin'. Alright, let's head back to base for now."
"Yes sir."
It takes several hours, but the crew make it back in good condition. They've also broadcast ahead to inform command that the sub has a new captain. Command is angry for some reason.

Natti (Harald Olafson) [4]
You pile an easily toppled tower of cases of beer against the door once your Giant Wolverine mate returns inside.
"This will be our home for some time now, my pets. Remember, don't let any strangers inside!"
He gently baps you on the head, reminding you that they are not pets.
THEY ARE FAMILY.

Status:
- Wolverine Momma

Harzipan (LORD BARNABY TERROR OF BLUEMOON MANSE) [1]
"MORTALS. GOOD JOB. I MUST NOW REST FOR MY GREAT POWER IS WANING. TEMPORARILY. IN MY ABSENCE, I DEMAND THAT YOU CONSTRUCT COSTAL DEFENSES. GOODBYE."
You leap headfirst into a nearby volcano, becoming one with the earth. You are now TRULY a volcano god.
Also you are dead.
Abilities:
- LAVA LEGS
- Dead

Nighthawk (Pablo) [-]
You activate Super Saiyan, and combined turn into TEENAGE MUTANT ALIEN SUPER SAIYAN TURTLE PABLO.
You then mutilate all the LAWYERS. To pieces.
Hmm.
"You guys were all weak. Not to be mean or anything, I'm just... saiyan.
Inventory:
- Spear

CrazyMLC [3]
You try to exist more, and become a floating hand.
Status:
- Floating Hand

Roast (Robodil Robodilson)[9]
"We can rebuild him...
Stronger...
Faster...
Monkier..."

You wake up in a room with lots of bright lights. There is white everywhere, and your head feels strange, along with pretty much all of your right half.
You look at your right half, and it is made of robot. Well, how about that.
Status:
- Monkesiah
- Cyborg Monkey

Tomaster [7]
Being the swagmaster that you are, you don't stay dead for long. Within seconds, your eternal soul takes over a random passerby, and you walk over to your former charred corpse, loot your weapon, and turn the Swag back on.
Your ♥♥♥♥♥es immediately recognize your radiating aura, and turn their sobs of sorrow into squeals of joy as they throw themselves upon you.
Inventory:
- 3 ♥♥♥♥♥es
- Noisy Cricket
Abilities:
- Reincarnation

Suddenly.
THE ENTIRE WORLD EXPLODES BECAUSE OF A LAVA GOD IN THE CENTER OF THE PLANET.
Luckily. A few select people have made it on to escape pods, hurtling across the vast emptiness of space. The escape pods also have teleporters, and several people are teleported into one especially large escape pod.

YOU ♥♥♥♥ ARE NOW ON AN ESCAPE POD, HURTLING AWAY FROM THE EXPLODED CHUNKS OF EARTH. What you do.