I HATE AREKU

Roast Veg (Bodil Bodilson) [10]
"Hello...? Did... did I make it...?"
You are dead Bodil.
"Dammit."
But not for long. You are the Monkey King, we cannot allow you to simply stay dead. You will be sent back, and you will lead the Monkey Race to rule the world. You are the Monkesiah. Do what you are destined to do, Bodil. Fulfill the prophecy.
"...what."
And suddenly you are Bodil Bodilson, Monkey King in a Cunning Disguise with several Bear Wounds lying in a Hospital Bed.
Your steadfast partner sits beside the bed.
Status:
- Monkey King
- Cunning Disguise
- Bear Wounds
- Hospital Bed

unwoundpath [5]
Using your newfound RICHES, you go to a car dealership and buy a Honda Civic!
...
What? You own a McDonalds. You're upper middle class, not rich.
"I want to do more than work!"
Suddenly a white brick flies through your car windshield, landing in the passenger seat.
Status:
- Owner

caekdaemon [5]
You regenerate with a noisy Shlurping noise.
Ew.
Abilities:
- Animal Magnetism
- Human Female Magnet
- Tentacles
Inventory:
- Sworddick
Status:

Tomaster [6]
You enter the liquer store, and see a short furry man playing with a baby Wolverine.
"Aww, it's adorable!"
"Why thankee sir! I just 'ad him teday! 'ear, have some booze!"
You gladly get some booze, along with your ♥♥♥♥♥es, including the Sushi ♥♥♥♥♥, who has finally awoken. Everyone makes a toast to the new baby Wolverine. Including the baby wolverine.
You now have a bar's worth of booze in the back of your pickup.
Inventory:
- 3 Armed ♥♥♥♥♥es
- Piece
- So much booze

Glowsticks (Bjorn Svenson) [5]
THE POLICE?
OH MAN. THE POLICE.
♥♥♥♥ THE POLICE. YOU'RE A BEAR.
YOU GO DESTROY THE POLICE. DESTROY THEM COMPLETELY.
Inventory:
- Ski Mask
Status:
- ♥♥♥♥ THE POLICE I'M A BEAR

Izen [2]
"First up, where and how many missiles do we have?"
"Sorry sir, that's classified information."
"But I'm the captain."
"Yes you are, sir."

Miggles [1]
"Goddammit this game is so buggy it never lets me pick the right class."
You become TWOPACK SHAKER.
Oh wait.
He's dead.
Status:
- DEAD

Natti (Harald Olafson) [-]
Gregory enters a Martial Trance!
Gregory punches the Lower Torso!
The Lower Torso explodes into gore!
Gregory falls asleep for his nap!
Daww...
Status:
- Wolverine Momma

Harzipan (LORD BARNABY TERROR OF BLUEMOON MANSE) [2]
While flying about them with your LAVA LEGS, they all get hit by lava and catch fire, then run around screaming before falling down and sinking into the lava.
Hmm. A slight miscalculation.
Abilities:
- LAVA LEGS

Nighthawk (Pablo) [10]
You activate Super Saiyan, and combined turn into TEENAGE MUTANT ALIEN SUPER SAIYAN TURTLE PABLO.
You then mutilate all /i] the LAWYERS. To pieces.
Hmm.
"You guys were all weak. Not to be mean or anything, I'm just... [i]saiyan.
Inventory:
- Spear

Now that the police are destroyed, turn back into Bjorn Svenson.

Rollpoburger

Roast Veg (Bodil Bodilson) [1]
"You're here... you came..."
"I CAME TO KILL YOU YOU LYING MONKEY BASTARD BODIL BODILSON!"
He tearfully pulls out his gun and shoots you in the monkey-head.
You die slowly as the camera zooms out upwards and spins slightly, watching the bed top-down as your once-steadfast partner falls back into his chair and weeps.
Status:
- Monkey King
- Cunning Disguise
- Bear Wounds
- Hospital Bed
- DEAD

unwoundpath [2]
"What."
You look out the window at a large gang with several more bricks. They then start throwing the bricks.
"OH GOD OH GOD OH ♥♥♥♥ OH GOD"
You attempt to drive away, but the bricks have already destroyed your car's engine. You crawl down into the foot-area, and cower in the fetal position as a hailstorm of bricks decimate your car.
Status:
- Owner

caekdaemon [6]
The Giant Wolverine smacks you so hard that you fly into Canada.
You find yourself thoroughly embedded in a maple tree.
Abilities:
- Animal Magnetism
- Human Female Magnet
- Tentacles
Inventory:
- Sworddick
Status:
- Treestuck

Tomaster [1]
You attempt to start a criminal empire.
It ends 15 minutes later when a hitman from another mob boss throws a Molotov at you, lighting you on fire. He then waits for you to burn to death, and urinates on your body.
The ♥♥♥♥♥es weep.
Inventory:
- 3 Armed ♥♥♥♥♥es
- Piece
- So much booze
- DEAD

Glowsticks (Bjorn Svenson) [9]
WHAT THE ♥♥♥♥ YOU TALKIN ABOUT THERE'S NO GOING BACK
YOU'RE A ♥♥♥♥ BEAR
AND THERE ARE STILL MORE POLICE OUT THERE
YOU HAVE YET TO ♥♥♥♥ THEM
Inventory:
- Ski Mask
Status:
- ♥♥♥♥ THE POLICE I'M A BEAR

Izen [6]
"So what CAN you tell me about the sub?"
"Well, the missiles are mostly nuclear."
"Okay. Are there any badguys nearby?"
"2."

Natti (Harald Olafson) [-]
Gregory enters a Martial Trance!
Gregory punches the Lower Torso!
The Lower Torso explodes into gore!
Gregory falls asleep for his nap!
Daww...
Status:
- Wolverine Momma

Harzipan (LORD BARNABY TERROR OF BLUEMOON MANSE) [7]
You burn the entire island down, and fly to a new one. No islanders on this one.
You burn it to the ground too, and fly to the NEXT island. Ok, natives here! Good! You make a large explosion in midair, and all the natives bow to the ground and worship you in fear. Just as planned.
Abilities:
- LAVA LEGS

Nighthawk (Pablo) [-]
You activate Super Saiyan, and combined turn into TEENAGE MUTANT ALIEN SUPER SAIYAN TURTLE PABLO.
You then mutilate all /i] the LAWYERS. To pieces.
Hmm.
"You guys were all weak. Not to be mean or anything, I'm just... [i]saiyan.
Inventory:
- Spear

DESTROY ALL THE POLICE WITH SUPERMASSIVE ANTI COP BLAST.