Nicolasx stop shooting me dammit.
> Use sheer will to get away from the danger.

Why are you guys killing me jeez.

LAWYERS. As the Fifth Mutant Ninja Turtle, I will rid the world of the scourge of LAWYERS.

> Find some LAWYERS to slay.

WONK

Roast Veg (Bodil Bodilson) [3]
You fall over and flail, blood spraying everywhere.
SUDDENLY A ♥♥♥♥ BEAR APPEARS AND IT RIPS YOUR STOMACH OPEN AND EATS ALL OF YOUR ORGANS.
AND THEN YOU DIE.

Status:
- Monkey King
- Cunning Disguise
- Bleeding from Neck
- DEADS

unwoundpath [4]
You gladly take the package, run outside, hop on your scooter that... you apparently ride? You really need to upgrade your wheels.
Anyway, you drive down to the nearby Burger King and present the package to the owner.
"The hell is this? 'From Russia with Love'? The ♥♥♥♥?"
He opens the package.

2 hours later, fire crews finally manage to extinguish the last of the flames, although bodies are still coming up regularly. The death toll is estimated in the thousands. You stumble back into your McDonalds, thoroughly singed.
"Ah, good! You delivered it! Congrats, you're a Manager like me now!"
Oh cool that's cool.

Status:
- Co-Manager

caekdaemon [7]
You suck your organs back in, and easily repair the damage, then charge at the midget again.
This time the giant wolverine's strike explodes your entire upper body, and chunks of tentacle rain backwards a good 300 feet.
Ow. Okay, you don't think you can get past that wolverine.

Abilities:
- Animal Magnetism
- Human Female Magnet
- Tentacles
Inventory:
- Sworddick
Status:
- OW.

Tomaster [4]
You drive your car to the nearest liqueur store, seeing a giant wolverine enter as you do. You're more than a bit concerned by that actually, those ♥♥♥♥ are murderously strong. You decide to wait the wolverine out a bit. You keep a hand on your trusty gun just in case.

Inventory:
- 3 Armed ♥♥♥♥♥es
- Piece

Glowsticks (Bjorn Svenson) [6]
YOU EAT THIS MONKEY POLICEMAN GUY.
HIS ORGANS FUEL YOUR RAGE AND ENDLESS STRENGTH.
TIME TO MURDER SOME MORE PEOPLE.

Inventory:
- Ski Mask
Status:
- ♥♥♥♥ THE POLICE I'M A BEAR

Izen [10]
You finish up the sandwich, then talk to the guy who fed you.
"Hey."
"Yes?"
"You know what would be cool?"
"...What?"
"A mutiny."
"...That is the best idea ever! I'm gonna go tell everyone!"
The man runs off, and for the next 30 minutes or so you hear plenty of sounds of mutiny, including many shouts of anger and screams of pain. Eventually the man comes back and informs you that you're now leader of the submarine. You must rule from your chair though, you ARE a prisoner after all.
You inform him that that is stone cold retarded.
He confirms, and does nothing about it.

Miggles [5]
You walk out on stage, then commit a few vile acts that scar quite a few stupid teenage girls for life. Except for the ones that decide to keep a part of you forever.
Status:
- DED

Natti (Harald Olafson) [9]
"Goddammit. Might as well take care of you. You'll make a fine bodyguard one day."
You will be the best bearded momma ever. Your giant wolverine poppa swats an annoyance outside, then comes in and cuddles down around you and your child. You shall name your son Gregory.
You walk over to a case of liqueur, grabbing several bottles of vodka and smash open a glass case containing Absinthe. You take a long swig of the expensive, alcoholic licorice flavored booze, then feed Gregory with a vodka bottle as if it were milk.
In the back of your mind something seems wrong with this situation, but you realize that you're a dwarf, and this is actually perfectly normal.
Status:
- Wolverine Momma

nicolasx (John Johnson Smith Smitherson) [3]
You decide that you need more firepower.
You pull out your shark tooth revolver, take steady aim at the large policeman, and pull the trigger.
You wonder why nothing is happening. You then realize that shark teeth are horrible projectiles, and get stuck in the chamber.
You swear at the useless weapon.

Your Inventory:
- Your Tracking Software
- Your Broken Shark Tooth Revolver

Harzipan (LORD BARNABY TERROR OF BLUEMOON MANSE) [7]
Through immense powers of concentration and legs, you absorb all of the lava. Yes, an entire volcano's worth of lava. Into your legs.
YOU ARE NOW LAVA-LEGS! FIERCEST CRIME FIGHTER SINCE AQUAMAN!
Abilities:
- LAVA LEGS

Nighthawk (Pablo) [3]
LAWYERS.
SCUM OF THE EARTH!
...Where the hell would you find lawyers at this time of the night?
...Where the hell would you find lawyers at ANY time?

Inventory:
- Spear

This is thoroughly ridiculous. And I'm loving it.

Leave the volcano using my LAVA LEGS and find some poor villagers to terrorize.