You get a popular quote stating that a particular thing is over a certain value, namely nine thousand.

I insert the jawdrop.

You get nothing, When you hit the cancel button, the machine replies with a grunt

So you insert a masterchief

(thats a pun.. BTW)

You get a sad highlander.
I insert Russia.

EDIT: Woops.

The machine sprays you with whiskey equivalent to the quantity the bottle would have held, but it wasn't returned. You enjoy the experience.

I insert a scantily clad female human.

Natti ninja:

You get lots of commies chasing a Tsar.

I insert Deja'vu.

You get 2 empty cans

I insert bubble gum

You get a perfectly preserved bubble back out.

I insert $24.95 and shipping and handling.

You get SHAMWOW!

I Insert flux capacitor

You get a Mr Fusion Fuel Recycler.

I insert an old Vinyl record of Rick Astley's 'Never gonna give you up'.

You get S. Grant

I insert sand.

You get a massive set of miniatures, one for each star visible to the naked eye.

I insert a bottle of iodine.

You get an egg-in-a-bottle.

I insert this image.

You become sad.
I insert Dirpy, the best Youtube to MP3 converter I've ever used. That closed down not even a week after I found it.

You get Any Video Converter.

I insert MLG gameplay.

You get me.

I insert me.

You are renamed darkdoom, stumpy, or my ghost-buddy.

I insert a complete chess set, with make-up.