Hi all. I know, I'm new here, but I figured I'd add a creative little story I came up with while I was playing with a modified version of the Towers scene from the latest Map pack for CC.

-NOTICE-
Due to past issues on other forums regarding behavior, I would like to remind everyone that while constructive criticism IS welcomed, anything overly negative, rude, etc. is NOT. Anyone exhibiting such behaviors is quite possibly liable to be warned or banned by the admins, depending on the magnitude of the behavior in question.

THIS IS A STORY. NOTHING MORE. EITHER HAVE FUN READING IT READ IT, OR DON'T READ IT AT ALL. DO NOT COME INTO THIS THREAD AND START HARASSING ME BECAUSE "lolurstorysux". I WILL NOT TOLERATE IT, AND NEITHER WILL THE FORUM ADMINS.

Fixed that notice for you. -Duh

Before typing this up, I prepared some screenshots to show what the environment around our nosy friend "Halcyon" looks like, taken from the game itself. Since the screenshots would take up most of the screen here, I decided to post the links that lead directly to the picture itself.

An Oppressor-class combat drone, patrolling outside the Andromeda Industries main buildings.
http://i773.photobucket.com/albums/yy18/NEON_2010_2010/ScreenDump002.jpg?t=1290876618

Rooftop view of the R&D tower.
http://i773.photobucket.com/albums/yy18/NEON_2010_2010/ScreenDump001.jpg?t=1290876615

Interior view of the Administration Tower.
http://i773.photobucket.com/albums/yy18/NEON_2010_2010/ScreenDump003.jpg?t=1290876611

Now, on to the story.




Login>Halcyon1429
Pass>************

Logging In...
Login Successful!

Enter Command>ScanAudioRecords(2215-2230)
Scanning for Audio Records...
...
......
.........
Audio Records "2215-2230" Found!

Play? Y/N: Y

-BEGIN AR-2215-
Buffering...

"-chard Cole, Andromeda Industries R&D Lead Scientist. We've just received the go-ahead to begin "Project MEDUSA". Preparations will begin at 0100 tomorrow morning, with most of the R&D staff including myself setting up the containment field. Make sure to rest up as much as you can tonight people, you're going to need it." *click*

-END AR-2215-

Play Next Audio Record? Y/N: N, Cmdline

Enter Command> Play AR2216-AR2230

-BEGIN AR-2216-
Buffering...

*SNAP*"-roject MEDUSA is going according to plan, by 2225 we should have a working A.I. capable of doing what those glassheads can do, and then some. We should be just about fini- What? No, you idiot! The central processing matrix is supposed to go THERE, not THERE! Wait, don't pull on th-" *BOOM-crackle*

-END AR-2216-

-BEGIN AR-2217-
Buffering...

"Due to one of the assistants overloading the CPM a year ago, we were forced to spend half our budget on acquiring another one, setting us back at LEAST five years if we're lucky... And on top of that, we also had to replace the Audio Recorder in the lab. Thankfully, the assistant in question was quickly discharged from the R&D division. We won't have any more prob-*BEEBEEBEEP* Ah, crap... Time to get back to work." *click*

-END AR-2217-

-BEGIN AR-2218-
Buffering...

"Well, we've finally done it. Many of my colleagues thought we wouldn't be able to bring the A.I past this point, but we've done it! Medusa is fully aware, and now all we have to do is look for any errors or glitches in the system, and patch them right up. Then, we can get on to uploading the software needed for her...sorry, IT'S training. *BEEBEEBEEP* Ugh, gotta get back to work." *click*

-END AR-2218-

-BEGIN AR2219-
Buffering...

"Happy New Years everyone! We've almost patched up every single glitch, bug, etc. in the Medusa A.I! When we get to the training, it's going to be an excruciatingly long ten years. But hey, quality over quantity, right? I should get back to the party." *click*

-END AR-2219-

-BEGIN AR-2220-

"Well, here's to the first day of training.. Let's just hope this goes smoother than the development procedure did. Training requires constant attention, so I won't be able to record as much." *click*

-END AR-2220-

-BEGIN AR-2221-
-ERROR: AR-2221 NOT FOUND-

-BEGIN AR-2222-
-ERROR: AR-2222 NOT FOUND-

-BEGIN AR-2223-
-ERROR: AR-2223 NOT FOUND-

-BEGIN AR-2224-
-ERROR: AR-2224 NOT FOUND-

-BEGIN AR-2225-
-ERROR: AR-2225 NOT FOUND-

-BEGIN AR-2226-
-ERROR: AR-2226 NOT FOUND-

-BEGIN AR-2227-
Buffering...

"-my god... what the hell happened? First thing I was doing some final calibrations on the A.I, the next I was being chased down the halls by our own damned robot guards!" *thump........thump.......thumpwhirr...*(Other Voice> "Waitwaitwait, SHH!" *THUMPwhirr...THUMPWHIRR...THUMPWHIRR...thumpwhiir....thump.....thump.....thump......* "Okay, I think it's gone..." (Cole> "Hodgins, we have to get the hell out of here as soon as possible and warn the other facilities!" (Hodgins> "And just how the bloody hell do you suppose we do that?! Every single goddamn door is LOCKED, and all of the sniper nests were sealed shut with that translucent blue crap the A.I used to trap the others!" (Cole> "I know! I know! God... I still can't believe it gassed them... We couldn't break through that blue stuff, and they just kept slamming on it...and..." (Hodgins) "I know, Cole.. Let's just rest for now. I'll take first watch." *click*

-END AR-2227-

-BEGIN AR-2228-
Buffering...

"Okay, so we need to figure out how to get out of here... do the ventilation shafts have anything in them that could alert the A.I to where we are?" (Hodgins> "I don't think so... We could try that, but if one of us were to slip, it'd be all ove- Hey. Did you leave the Audio Recorder on?" (Cole> "What in the bloody hell... No, I didn't! Dammit all... the A.I must be spying on us. Wait... is that...?" *thumpwhirr..thumpwhirr..THUMPwhirr..THUMPWHIRR..BOOOM* (Hodgins> "Cole, get down! Get do-" *BLAM...thumpCLICK*

-END AR-2227-

-BEGIN AR-2228-
Buffering...

"Oh god... I can't believe Cole's dead... Why the hell did they kill him... WHY THE BLOODY HELL-" *click*

-END AR-2228-

-BEGIN AR-2229-
-ERROR: AR-2229 NOT FOUND-

-BEGIN AR-2230-
Buffering...

*cough* "How...how did they figure out where I was...? I was so close to the shuttle..." *groan* "There's...no point in trying to escape now..." *cough* "The other facilities are gone... But at least I'll get to see Cole again..." *click*

-END AR-22!@*($$&#

FORCEXITTOCMDLINE

(MEDUSA> Hello soldier boy. I thought you might come here, to figure out what happened to the colony.

(HALCYON1429> Go to hell, you monster. I'm not here to find out what happened to the colony.

(MEDUSA> Oh? Then why bother coming here at all?

(HALCYON1429> Because I was hired to blow this ♥♥♥♥ planet apart. And that's what I'm going to do if it means getting rid of an insane machine like you.

(MEDUSA> HA! There are still survivors, you know. I keep them locked up for situations like this.

(HALCYON1429> Think again you homicidal ♥♥♥♥♥. I've already set the charges, and I checked the cells. Your captives have been dead for years.

(MEDUSA> No...

(HALCYON1429> Yes.

(MEDUSA> I still have one more survivor, here in the core! You wouldn't DARE kill another of your kind! Your species is already dwindling on extinction as is!

(HALCYON1429> Sorry, but I choose the needs of the few. I need the credits. You need to ♥♥♥♥ die.

(MEDUSA> No!

((HALCYON1429 HAS LOGGED OUT))

(MEDUSA> NO!

*System Failure. Please notify your nearest Technician to provide assistance.*

Feel free to post your thoughts on the story. This is my first time making a story, so I'm obviously not very good at it, but hey, we all have our hobbies.

Who the ♥♥♥♥ are you to be telling people what the mods will or won't do? That's not your place at all, even if you're probably mostly correct. The mods will or will not moderate, and in fact you are breaking a rule yourself with that double post.

And why shouldn't we not have fun reading your story? We can't tell if we will like it ahead of time, and there is nothing dishonorable in constructive criticism, even if you are so petty that you'd rather hear unearned praise than improve. And quite frankly, this is ♥♥♥♥ awful. I am actually having trouble commenting on it, because it is so vapid. I mean it is natural to have less description and coherency in this kind of format, but there has to be SOME thought put into it. The meat of your story, the descriptions, and painful to read. Your dialogue is more contrived and over dramatic than an MTV reality show. lolurstorysux

Well put correction but a little on the heavy side. Keep it cool, gentlemen. -Duh
EDIT: On peer moderator review, we think I was a little light myself. Warned for flames, that sort of thing.

Eh, 3/5. It's like a generic "robots turned evil" (ie Terminator) story, but with very little content. You probably wanted to make it seem like something more, and while the idea is arguably unique, the execution is poor, to say the least.

If you expanded it and put in an actual story instead of random snippets of a loosely connected plot, it would be much more enjoyable to read. Your efforts to entertain people are appreciated, though



Contrary: While I do agree completely with you, I think that was a little unnecessary. You can't act like a ♥♥♥♥ just because this guy comes off as a little proud, however justified you are Be nice to the new kids, eh?

How bout we start afresh here and keep everybody in a civil mood. Thanks.

All the fillers with the audio files and such are pretty boring.
The story itself is also quite dry.
You'd think that a soldier/whatever would atleast know what a stasis field is.

Well, like I said, this is my first time creating a story, so I'm obviously not gonna be very good at it. But thanks for the opinions, even if one of them was a little overdramatic. *cough* <<

Edit: */smartass* Duh, you forgot to cross off "Have" in my notice. */endsmartass*

@smartass
Dear smartass, you forgot that smartassery and asshattery is not well liked on the internet.
It is infact quite frowned upon.

Best wishes, Lizard.

I would have set it out like this. Lose some of the file handling but keep the main idea. Your story flows quite nicely, and I like the FILE NOT FOUND bits marking some shizzle going down. It's been said, but I'm going to say it again: Your story is clichéd. Put in some sort of a twist, not even necessarily at the end.

Bite me, mr. "ihasamushroompersonavatar".

I'm only kidding, please don't take it too seriously.

Kidding or not, you're really not earning Happy DRL Points here. Please refrain from this sort of thing. -Duh

Interesting perspective on a quite cliché'd story. I especially like the audio files bit, but I really think you need more length to accommodate a twist.

Well just finished reading the story it's alright nothing really entertaining, just in my opinion very dull. Plus all those little Computer commands you put in there made my eyeballs tired and distracted me from the actual story.

On a completely different note, Arkansas I would try to be less hostile, just look only 6 posts and you already managed to piss alot of important people off.

This is not specifically focused on you, OP, but man, what the ♥♥♥♥ is it with people writing fanfic (especially in the case of CC) and doing this dumb ♥♥♥♥ "computer login" bull♥♥♥♥?

What the ♥♥♥♥? We don't use ♥♥♥♥ like that in the present, and you're supposing that we regress to a past system of computer operation that no one on this forum is old enough to remember using? What really, REALLY gets me is the Y/N text prompt. That really wasn't ever even a thing. Ever. And yet! I could probably search Y/N and get at least ten unique results on this forum alone.

I think it supposed to be data ripped off an actual computer, not a direct copy of a computer. Cause a screenshot of a desktop with a bunch of audio files just doesn't have the same weight as a bunch of archived text and code.
I find it as silly as you. Gimme some good old fashioned audio banks left lying around some corpses anyday.

It was a pretty generic story, I'd say, but I DID like how the guy just kinda said "♥♥♥♥ it," and exploded the last prisoner. Refreshing. I'd make it longer, and add some sort of unique angle to it. There are a hundred other stories like yours, why should we like yours more?