You get what looks like a thread but turns out to be something far worst.

I insert a Vending machine.

You get a baby vending machine.
I insert red bull.

You get wings. Not attached to you, mind you, some pigeon wings just flop out of the slot onto the floor.

I insert a can of angry hornets.

You get a screaming John Cage.

I insert a small kitten.

You panic when you dont recieve it back.
I insert The universe into the vending machine, which is coincidentally, outside the universe!

you get the universe... minus all matter.
I insert some Suicide Putty.

you are kicked violently in the crotch by billy mays.

insert: dwarf fortress.

you get a Dwarf looking for his Fortress.

I insert Internet Explorer

You get my dad's laptop from the nineties that doesn't have the capacity to run Firefox.

I insert the ACTA tread.

You get an ATCA thread.
I insert RsBot (the one made by the chinese guy that was taken down then put back up by said chinese guy).

Jagex knocks on your front door. With a sledgehammer.
I insert a piece of prechewed gum.

You get Pre Chew Gum that falls out and gets stuck on your shoe.

I insert Bluescreen of death.

It and the Red Ring of Death fight an epic battle.

I insert a taste of your own medicine.

You get instantly humbled because of the machine managing to insert a quarter into your stomach. Ouch.

I insert infinitely dense matter 1/10,000 the size of a pinhead.

You can't lift the damn thing.

I insert a lame result.