(Note: This cuss laden Christmas story is a tradition I post every year at the forums I frequent. It kicks ass. FOR BEST RESULTS: Head into your User Control Panel and turn off the swear filter.)
Out and together, not minding the weather was the family of Dauss, caroling and having a ball!
But look again! Why is this? Dauss! He was missing! Like a fine winter’s mist!
But back at his house, oh no, could it be? Dauss was not missing, but instead, an absentee!
"BAHH HUMBAG!" Said Dauss, his face wearing a frown, "I'LL NOT GO OUT AND BE SEEN AS A CLOWN..."
"I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS SEASON, ENOUGH OF THIS YEAR!" Dauss said, obviously lacking holiday cheer.
But before another word could come out of his mouth, came an eruption of noise, from the top of the house!
"What's this? Could it be? Has Santa still decided to pay a visit to me?"
And so Dauss took things that he had inside, and began to stack them outside, as to climb.
After crawling over a chair, and climbing a shelf, who did he find, but ♥♥♥♥ Kris Kringle himself!
"OH SNAP! IT'S SANTA!" He shouted with glee, and Santa yelled back "IT HURTS! MY ARM! ♥♥♥♥ ME!"
At these words, Dauss was taken aback, He'd never known Santa's bones could, and would crack!
"Santa, are you ok? Are you in pain?" Dauss said. He was worried; Santa's blood was making a stain...
At these words, Santa breathed, and let out a moan. "NO, YOU DUMB ♥♥♥♥, JUST LEAVE ME ALONE."
"DAMN SLEIGH, DAMN REINDEER, DAMN CHRISTMAS RUN! NOW HOW AM I TO GET MY WORK DONE?"
Dauss took a look at his sleigh, and noticed all of his reindeer, were SLAIN!
"How did this happen?" said Dauss, his voice filled with dread.
"JUST FLYING ALONG AND SOMETHING SHOT EM ALL DEAD."
At this, Dauss suddenly thought of what he had done, he forgot to turn off his security guns.
"Wow... That's quite odd..." Said Dauss, feeling like a wad.
"THERE'S ONLY ONE THING TO DO, IT MUST BE DONE FAST!" Said Santa, unzipping his suit, and presenting his ass.
"WOAH, I don't swing that way Santa." Dauss said, looking away. "Of the things that I am, I'm certainly not gay."
"Calm the ♥♥♥♥ down, you presumptuous cock." Said Santa, as he pulled off a red and white sock.
"You must take my place, giving out cheer, so put on my suit, I'll be waiting right here."
"No way Santa!" Said Dauss, flipping the bird. "I've had enough of this season, you fat stupid turd."
"It's all about who gets what, and how much it was! No one cares anymore for brotherly love!"
"Christmas has gone to ♥♥♥♥, you should know, consumerism has made this holiday blow!"
"So your request, I deny, that is it. Don't ask me again, else you be told to eat ♥♥♥♥."
Santa looked stunned, his eyes looked away. "Dauss, how could it be that you think this way?"
"Christmas isn't about console fanboys who ♥♥♥♥♥ and moan, or people caring about what they come to own..."
"It's about being with your family, the ones you love most! Passing the gravy, and making a toast!"
"Now let's drop this negative way, don my suit, and hop in my sleigh!"
Dauss put on the suit, and sat in the chair. "But Santa, how will this sleigh ever get in the air?"
Santa reached over a button, his finger met, suddenly the sleigh turned into a jet!
"IT'S A CHRISTMAS ♥♥♥♥ MIRACLE!" Yelled Dauss, a smile on his face, the jet took off, Dauss' mind in a race.
By 3 AM, the deed, it was done, Dauss awoke in the morning, and to the tree, he did run.
The biggest box of all was to him! It took up the space! The tag read "To Dauss, last night you were Ace.
"
Destroying the paper, without any remorse, "OH ♥♥♥♥!" Screamed Dauss. "MY FAVOURITE BAND! DRAGONFORCE!"
"How odd, to be in a box, and show up here." said ZP, "Let alone will full tour gear."
"Well, I think it's clear what we should do," said Herman, "We shall perform a full concert, here, just for you!"
Dauss took in some air, and swelled out his chest, "THANK YOU SANTA," Said Dauss "YOU'RE THE BEST!"
And so, the greatest concert in the history of man was held, and all knew the previous statement was right.
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL, A GOOD NIGHT.
