Well, I've been on this forum for a while (since Build 18), but never that active. I've tried my hand at modding and mapping, but it never worked out. One thing still remains though, my love for this game.

An idea hit on me last night, why not make a Cortex Command Fanfiction?, I thought about it and decided to have a go. Another came along as I began writing, Why not flesh out some of the factions? How about expanding on civilian life in the CC-verse?. So here is a preview of what I am doing:



So what do you think?

It wasn't that good tbh.

It's better and more coherent than some things that have been posted here.

Pretty good imo.

cc gameplay
but there's a commander guy

It's not long, deep, or unique enough to be good, is what I'm getting at here.
Fairly good word choice, conventions, etc though. For a fanfic.

Hmm... Interesting idea, but you really need to check your grammar; even the first sentence is a fragment.

way too cluttered, don't use so many adjectives

You're right, and you're wrong. You're right because it is a fragment, and he should change it. You're wrong because he did it on purpose. Still he should've made it a complete sentence. Ex. Chirping in the air, sweet, sweet music, spring had just begun.
Phrase, phrase, complete sentence.
Same effect, gramatically correct.

The writing seems a little bit too cluttered with unecessary adjectives and adverbs, which tend to be more distracting than helpful in an intense action scene. Adjectives are good to use in moderation, however. I like, for example, the phrase: "exploding into showers of white-hot thermite." Although this phrase doesn't have anything especially unique about it, it sounds nice and makes an exciting image. Adding "and sharp shrapnel" to the end of this phrase kind of messed it up, mainly because "sharp shrapnel" is extremely redundant. The reader already knows that shrapnel is sharp, calling it that doesn't add anything to it. Instead of using the adgetive to describe normal physical properties of the object, use it to point out anything notable about it. If the shrapnel was notable in its sharpness, you could use some sort of superlative describing sharpness. One adverb that stood out to me in a similar way was the "mentally" in "winced mentally". Peter would obviously not wince in a physical sense (i.e. "bob winced as mary poked him the the needle") unless he some physical action directed at him. It is obvious that Peter would only wince empathetically if he saw another friend subjected to pain, so it isn't necessary to say that he "winced mentally".

A good way to add some personality to writing without congesting it with adjectives might be to add a few similes instead. A simile can be much more useful than an adjective and convey a much more complex idea if done correctly, because it can use the reader's knowledge of the simile's object to put a phrase which would usually require lots of words to describe. If a writer were to describe a man as "like Odysseus", the reader could from this simile think of all the characteristics of Odysseus an apply them to the man, instead of the writing having to list each of these out and upset the flow. Another way to think about this would be to imagine any object-oriented programming language. When you make a class or method, you dont have to write that same class or method over and over again whenever you need to use it somewhere else in your code. Instead you just reference it from the name of the original example.

Even though there are some weaknesses in this excerpt, you seem like you have a good idea of how to write a gripping, interesting action sequence(which is the most important part), and I really hope you will follow this up with more.

I think there should be a rule where the critique is shorter than the original. Just say'n

I think there should be a rule where a user can't necro a dead topic unless he has something worthwhile to add to the ma---- OH WAIT!

I think there should be a rule against people posting to berate necromancers instead of doing the sensible thing and using the report button.

I think there should be a rule against moderators posting in a thread instead of taking act.....

Nah I got nothing. Touche.

Wow, That was a Fantastic Read. I've been truly inspired by your work, and am going to be re-coding the ModDB using ruby on rails and a design from a professional web designer. Thank You for the INspiration provided by this Wonderful Story.

I am trully sorry for your lots.