I literally lol'd at that.

u gaiz
u gaiz
So, last Wednesday I was late for school, so I had to go really fast on my bike.
Like, really fast. Really ♥♥♥♥ fast. Or not that fast.
Either way, I was going very fast.
Then some guy was backing out of his driveway with his car, which I couldn't avoid, so I hit it in the ass and flew over it and faceplanted in the street.
I had to go to the hospital, but because I'm a direct descendant from superman vikings, I got from it with only a scratch on my right knee, which is pretty good.
The only thing that went wrong was that all the glass bottles I had with me in my pockets broke.
Oh, and the front of my bike is a total wreck.

This happened around this time of year last year.
So I was crossing the street when walking to school. Imagine your ordinary, suburban side street, but sloped downhill a little way. There was this SUV that pulled up to the intersection just as I began to walk, perpendicular to me. It stopped, the driver (who was at my head height due to the slope of the road) looked right at me.
Then he hit the gas and hit me. It was at like, 1 mph, so I just stumbled onto the hood and screamed "What the ♥♥♥♥?!" really loudly directly at the guy, in a residential neighborhood, at around 7:20 in the morning.
He then drove off as soon as I wasn't directly in the path of the car (I never got the plate number) and this old lady driving by looked out of her window like I was some kind of insane deviant.
So. Yeah.
I remember the driver's face a little, and he bears a seriously uncanny resemblance to my driver's ed teacher. Like, evil-twin or actually-him level resemblance.
I nearly died laughing every time he told the class to yield to pedestrians.

Blargh, all my tales of epic are about getting shot at by crazy rednecks. You wouldn't want to hear them.

Yes. Yes I do.

Do tell.

Ok so I was at my freinds farm and we were shooting slingshots at his cows cuz we were bored so eventualy the cows got pissed and began to run towards us so like most people we jumped the fence (|-|-|-| < like this made of wood) and my freind turns around to continue shooting at the cows just as i turn around to tell him to go one of the bulls breaks through the fence and charges at my freind, he turns around with a look of sheer horor on his face and begins to run the bull quickely follows in presuit my freind.when suddenly he Pulled an epic holywood action stunt he jumps off a hay bale grabs a branch on the tree by the house and swings onto the roof. I was like HOLYCRAP the bull thensits there for a bit then starts to walk away, being an ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ my freind throws a rock at it the bull rips around and hits the house leaving a gooe 2ft hole in the wall. good times,good times

Lol. Now all we need is a way to turn mental images into video, and that we be so much more epic. Also, on a scale of 1-10, how crazy was your friend?

he's like a 12 and this isnt the only stupid things we've done.

I really don't have any epic stories, besides maybe one. Me and my family were on our boat, a 50ft or so Searay, with our jet-ski towing behind us and we were whale watching off the coast of Maine. What we weren't expecting was a FREAKING huge-ass HUMPBACK WHALE to LEAP into the air and land RIGHT on top of our jet-ski, SNAPPING the bungie cable that was holding it of right at the clip attaching it to the jet-ski. THEN that went flying like a bullet towards the boats cockpit and us, I ducked, everyone screamed, and then the the clip and cable smashed through the window within an inch or two of were my head had been a few seconds before that. All I can say is that the video, even if it doesn't show me in the background, is really freaking epic, in fact, I think I'll go see if I can scrounge that out of whatever closet it's in. *Takes deep breath* I think that's about the only really epic thing that's happened to me. I was like maybe 7 then though, so.....

I live in a city of ~800,000 people. We have a ghetto, complete with wannabe gangsters. My friend Sean was walking to another engineering student's house lay the smack down on some differential equations homework. It's something like 3 in the afternoon, so the schools have gotten out, which pours mini-wannabe gangsters onto the streets downtown where we live, work, play, and learn. Four black kids (~14 - ~16 years old) on crappy mountain bikes bike pass him and he tenses up, being a slightly paranoid, slightly racist, small, skinny, white 19 year old. They bike on past, no big deal; Sean relaxes. He walks on for a few more houses until he hears something behind him... He turns around to see the four kids again, this time doing their best to bike silently down the sidewalk. Just as he turns around, the kid in front grabs his backpack in an attempted robbery. Sean's reflex is to grab the kid's arm and throw him off his bike. The kid lets go of the backpack and lands on his face! Sean jumps on his back and tears off down the sidewalk running. Fortunately, his destination was about three houses down.

tldr;
Sean, the little 4chan viewing, electrical engineering student, Adult Swim quoting, nerd happens to dominate some fool on a bike. It's funny. Laugh with me. Ha ha ha.

Make sure to tell him to steal the bike next time.

Well then...

This one time me and four of my friends were down in this really dense wooded area in the middle of nowhere. We were just walking around, messing with ♥♥♥♥, when we came upon this house in a clearing across from a creek. It was pretty run down and had an old Ford behind it. So, while me, my friend Drew, and his girlfriend stay behind, this one dude he brought with us goes to check it out. Of course, he's scared of the woods and has a paintball gun. He gets within maybe 30 feet of it and says he sees something inside. Of course, he starts shooting at the house with the paintball gun. Right as the third paintball hits the house, this really drunk redneck comes out with a .22 rifle and starts taking potshots at him and he takes of back towards us, leaving the paintball gun there. (No big deal, it was $20 anyways.) Me and my friend are just sitting there watching him going "What the ♥♥♥♥?" and then it hits us, we're being shot at! So we jump into this ditch behind us, and he has to drag his girlfriend because she's pretty much stunned. While we do it, the bastard spots us and starts shooting at the ditch, luckily he's so drunk he can't hit ♥♥♥♥ and the rounds just go flying over the ditch. Five seconds later the one guy makes it back to us, and the redneck is about out of ammo. So he starts to reload, but he's so drunk he can hardly get the rounds in the magazine.

At that moment we took off back where we came from, we haven't gone back down there since.

Me and a mate were walking through local woods at about 10:30, pitch black as well(he was carrying a 10 mill candle power torch but wasn't switched on). Surprisingly we didn't even get that creeped out, but then i told him i could see someone standing over in a bush so we both shut up and kept walking. 10 seconds later red laser beams from automatic weapons completely covered us head to toe, and at least 15 men stepped up from cover. We shat our knickers but managed to stay cool, eventually realising that they were just airsofters/hunters with good air rifles and we walked on past them and out into a field.

Scariest day of my life.
Im just thinking now, why the ♥♥♥♥ were they in woods hiding at that time of the night.
They are my rape woods!

I got several but this is the only one that springs to mind in resent times.

This guy Ramon was pissing the ♥♥♥♥ out of me doing all sorts a ♥♥♥♥. He goes to pick me up (He is a big guy and i am rather weedy) so i lash out at him with the only thing in my hand a sandwich. So he gets a face full of salami and i think to my self "Man that was really weak"
In order to full extract my vengeance give his this massive back hand.
I pimp slapped him hard. So hard there was blood on my hand from the first hit. So we bot kinda stand still for a bit and then he goes off to nurse his wounds and his pride. Getting ♥♥♥♥♥ slapped in the middle of your friends can do wonders for your ego.