You get a mistyped smurf.

I insert madness.

You get combat.
I insert the lowly Brachyura.

You get the highly Brachyura.
I insert

You get

I insert a space-bar ripped from an 80's keyboard.

You get a Computer Seed that grows into my horrible epileptic computer.

I insert a potatoe.

You foolishly forgot to feed the vending machine like a horse, with your palm out flat. Now the vending machine has eaten your hand along with the potato. The vending machine spits out a potato hand, which you easily reatach to your wrist.

I clean up the blood with a cloth then stick that inside the vending machine.

you get a Blood pooring out of the machine like something out of a horror movie.

insert a note that says this "How big is this Machine and wheres my five dollor note?"

You get a note back, hastily scribbled and barely readable, that says:
Ask the Sock Stealer in the Washer.

I insert an AUSTRALIAN $5 Note and a $2 Dollar coin of the same currency.

The machine enters an inversion programme, that not only returns -$7, but gives it back in British £'s as it is on the other side of the world.

While looking into this excessively big coin slot, I sneeze into it.

It consumes your snot, and gives you Slurm™!

Since no one has (I think) tried it yet, I attempt to procreate with the vending machine. Assuming I'm male, and the vending machine's coin slot is the female bit.
See! I'm being child friendly!

9 months later you get a cyborg that looks like a cross between an infant and a tiny vending machine.

I insert my US Government homework into the cyborg baby vending machine and I insert the cyborg into its mother's slot.

You get Obama.

I insert Obama.

Music starts playing; some kind of American Anthem, and a deep voice proclaims:
I have a dream! ...

I insert a replica Sniper Rifle to the one that (apparently) shot the bullet that killed JFK.

You get a replica of the bullet that (apparently) killed JFK.
I insert a freshly formatted 2GB flash drive that looks like a cheese wedge.

The mouse eats it.
I insert my old, now stolen, 8GB Flashdrive, JOYBRINGER.