It consumes your snot, and gives you Slurm™!

Since no one has (I think) tried it yet, I attempt to procreate with the vending machine. Assuming I'm male, and the vending machine's coin slot is the female bit.
See! I'm being child friendly!

9 months later you get a cyborg that looks like a cross between an infant and a tiny vending machine.

I insert my US Government homework into the cyborg baby vending machine and I insert the cyborg into its mother's slot.

You get Obama.

I insert Obama.

Music starts playing; some kind of American Anthem, and a deep voice proclaims:
I have a dream! ...

I insert a replica Sniper Rifle to the one that (apparently) shot the bullet that killed JFK.

You get a replica of the bullet that (apparently) killed JFK.
I insert a freshly formatted 2GB flash drive that looks like a cheese wedge.

The mouse eats it.
I insert my old, now stolen, 8GB Flashdrive, JOYBRINGER.

You get a scale model of a Deatheater from Harry Potter. How ironic.

I insert the Delete key from an 80's keyboard.

The machine returns a Delete key from a 70's keyboard.

I insert the vending machine's mama.

You get a hypermarket.

Removing the sugar from said market is calming it down, and I casually toss the Vending machine into the not-so-hyper-market.

the vending machine gets overloaded as obese people spend tons of money in it to have energy again.

I insert one of those obese people.

All the candy mysteriously disappears... then a load of empty wrappers fall out. The obese person is nowhere to be seen either.

I insert Tiberium and Creeper Vines.

you get the fight of the century. also lag.

i insert some of the candy wrappers.

The machine eats them and sucks in the other candy wrappers as well, before recycling them into orphan-grade toilet paper.

I locate the nearest orphan, give him the paper, and jam them both into the machine.


[The orphan shouts: "Wow, this is the best place I've ever lived in!"]

5 minutes later you hear screaming and a squishy, cutting sound. out pops an orphan head mummified in orphan grade paper.

i insert a box of cracker jacks with a special surprise inside.

You receive the empty box, opened and emptied (including the surprise!)
I insert the new student I'm going to be tutoring in intro comp sci tonight.