You get frozen piss.
I insert a badongo.

Text appears on the front of the machine. It appears to say "Out Of Stock" however as you keep watching it more words appear; it seems to be saying "WTF is a badongo" repeatedly.

The confused vending machine vomits all over your shoes. The vomit is purple.

You don't get anything when the vomit is purple.

Insert another generic insertion (!)

You get another generic answer.

I insert an octorock.

You get to bomb some dodongos!


I insert a glass trumpet.

The Mayor sends the Hammerer to jail you because he mandated BRONZE trumpets.
I insert a floppy disc.

You get 3 1/2 inches of love.
I insert Blu-Ray.

You get a mistyped smurf.

I insert madness.

You get combat.
I insert the lowly Brachyura.

You get

I insert a space-bar ripped from an 80's keyboard.

You get a Computer Seed that grows into my horrible epileptic computer.

I insert a potatoe.

You foolishly forgot to feed the vending machine like a horse, with your palm out flat. Now the vending machine has eaten your hand along with the potato. The vending machine spits out a potato hand, which you easily reatach to your wrist.

I clean up the blood with a cloth then stick that inside the vending machine.

you get a Blood pooring out of the machine like something out of a horror movie.

insert a note that says this "How big is this Machine and wheres my five dollor note?"

You get a note back, hastily scribbled and barely readable, that says:
Ask the Sock Stealer in the Washer.

I insert an AUSTRALIAN $5 Note and a $2 Dollar coin of the same currency.

The machine enters an inversion programme, that not only returns -$7, but gives it back in British £'s as it is on the other side of the world.

While looking into this excessively big coin slot, I sneeze into it.