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Grif
REAL AMERICAN HERO
Joined: Sat Jan 27, 2007 10:25 pm Posts: 5655
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Re: Sunrise, 5/17/08
Citizen city? What's the alternative, rebel city? Inmate city? The Anarchist Village?
Why not just call it a ♥♥♥♥ city? Or something nice and homely like "the shithole". Military types are oh so precise in their descriptive terms.
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Mon May 19, 2008 10:49 pm |
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Ophanim
Joined: Wed Dec 26, 2007 6:33 am Posts: 1743 Location: Trapped in UCP. Send help.
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Re: Sunrise, 5/17/08
It is a nice day here ins shitholeville, although rain may come from the direction of ♥♥♥♥, so keep an umbrella handy!
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Mon May 19, 2008 11:04 pm |
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Coded One
Joined: Sat Mar 15, 2008 10:32 pm Posts: 93
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Re: Sunrise, 5/17/08
Ophanim wrote: It is a nice day here ins crap, although rain may come from the direction of fudge, so keep an umbrella handy! THIS is why we can't have nice things. Keep it up X, it's really good.
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Thu May 22, 2008 1:33 am |
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Falcon X
Joined: Thu Aug 09, 2007 6:37 pm Posts: 889 Location: Not Jewtown.
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Re: Sunrise, 5/17/08
Entrapment 0734 4 Jul 3453 The men were bored. An hour march through a deserted city, and the only resistance came from scattered pockets of soldiers. I suppose I should be thankful. I still have 13 of my men with me. It was getting cold and dark though, the planet was in its winter. An icy fog covered the city, cutting visibility in half. A flare shot up in front of us, and an MG nest opened up. "Get off the street, out of the light!" I shouted. The gunner started blind firing in the street, as if only to keep our heads down. Something clicked. I realized what they were doing, and yelled onto the radio, "Get out of here, its a trap-" The Kerr were already there. The MG squad was a distraction. The real danger was the Ikher Gunship, heading in from the West. The Ikher was a Kerrisian model, built simply to be armed to the teeth and provide cover for mobile or pinned troops. We wouldn't stand a chance against the 3 that were coming in, so I gave the order to retreat. There was no alternative if we were to survive. The smart missiles the Ikhers carried sounded off, streaking in on our new positions and altering course as we did. The MG squad was still in play, picking us off as we ran. The situation was dissolving rapidly, as 3 more men collapsed on the ground, uniforms red with blood. The gunships split up, with 2 hammering the rear, and the third dropping into the buildings.As the men ran, the original ambush fell silent, but the Ikhers were too close to relax. Another missile tried in vain to catch the men, but they dodged into buildings at the right moment. Most of us were holed up in an office tower, near the center. The gunships hovered outside, Dropheat engines letting out deep hums. Why did the Kerr want us so bad? Its obvious the gunships are only trying to keep us in until a squad arrives. The air outside was tense, as the gunships began to sweep around the building, making sure to keep us inside. "Sir, we need a plan." "I know we need a plan, I just don't have one." "Sir, how about the parking garage? It goes underground a ways, and could get us past the Ikhers." I would need to remember this mans name. "Alright, you heard him, lets head down to the garage." The garage had 3 levels, and the private was right. it went almost a mile around the building, like a circle. The 2 men left behind to watch the entrance and give the Kerr something to look at maintained radio silence, not wanting to tip off a spook listening in. The garages were devoid of cars, people, or even sounds. It was like a dungeon of sorts, as every step echoed. The hum of Ikher gunships outside reminded me of the urgency of our situation. I called in to the door guard, "Hows everyone holding up out there?" "Good, but the gunships stopped circling the building. They must think we're up to something, since they're circling the surrounding area." "Do you think they set up another trap?" "No, they probably don't know the area well enough. I think it's safe to say we sho-" The radio cut out. A shockwave went down the garage structure halls, from the direction they came from. "Hello? Mikals, Joseph? Come in." No response.
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Thu May 22, 2008 2:33 am |
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leadpumper12
Joined: Fri Sep 21, 2007 9:50 pm Posts: 419 Location: KS
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Re: Sunrise, 5/17/08
Unseen bomb is unseen.
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Thu May 22, 2008 3:41 am |
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Ophanim
Joined: Wed Dec 26, 2007 6:33 am Posts: 1743 Location: Trapped in UCP. Send help.
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Re: Sunrise, 5/17/08
Coded One wrote: Ophanim wrote: It is a nice day here ins crap, although rain may come from the direction of fudge, so keep an umbrella handy! THIS is why we can't have nice things. Keep it up X, it's really good. Actually no it's kind of mediocre. But eh, better than my early attempts. Not to act egotistical or anything.
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Fri May 23, 2008 5:39 am |
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Falcon X
Joined: Thu Aug 09, 2007 6:37 pm Posts: 889 Location: Not Jewtown.
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Re: Sunrise, a Diversion
I'm going to break off for now, and maybe do short whole stories and work on my writing style. Negative, Positive, I like the criticisms, they help. Keep them constructive. Code also seems to preserve indentation. I'll try it. Emplacements Code: The sky had been gray since morning, as if threatening us with rain. The troops had been stationed here for weeks, thier only purpose was to baby-sit the city nearby. Sgt. Harrison decided to relax for a bit, maybe get some sleep. Just as he was about to lay down, the Radioman ran into the barracks. "Sir, there seems to be a situation." "What kind of situation?" "The radios are dead, and a Kerrisian bomber wing just showed up on radar." Harrison cursed under his breath, and ran into the control room. What the man said was true, there was no radio, and the bombers were a minute away. "Get the SAM's warned up, and get the men under cover. Can we trace the jammer signal?" "No Sir, we think it's a Flash-jam, most likely gone by now." "Okay then, work on getting our radio lines open." "Sir!" The man flashed a salute, and gave his orders to the technicians. In the distance, the bombers resembled birds rather than jets, but slowly grew larger. The men below ran into the bunkers, and under cover. The attack was inevitable, when was the problem.
The planes were getting closer, and the drone of the engines could be heard like thunder. As they gathered over the base, little black canisters fell from the sky, like a bird that dropped it's meal. The bombs streaked out like metal confetti, The men in the control tower braced themselves on anything they could find. Harrison closed his eyes as the first bombs hit. The shockwave blew out the windows, spreading glass and dirt into the room. Outside, the air was on fire. The men ran around in chaos, trying to avoid one bomb, while running into another. As the planes left, Harrisons eyes were drawn to the horizon. Tanks and infantry dashed across the fields, like marathon runners at the gun. In the distance, artillery pieces opened fire, adding to the destruction brought on by the sky. The already smoky sky lit up with white trails of shells.
The tanks drew near, firing cannons in glancing blows against the already shattered base. Half the soldiers stationed there were dead or critical, and most defenses were down. Harrison grabbed his side, feeling something warm. Regardless, he stumbled to the console, and hit the button for an evacuation call. Through the shattered installation, the simulated voice rang out, "Attention all USCA personnel, this is not a drill. Re-group with your highest ranking NCO, and retreat to pre-established points. I repeat..."
The Kerrisian troops were already spilling over the walls, mercilessly mopping up the scattered defenders, engaging targets regardless of condition. There was no realistic hope of defending the base now, Harrison realized. The surviving officers in the control towers began to panic, drawing there pistols as the Kerr made their way into the building they were in. Harrison reached for his pistol, coughing up a red, metallic liquid. As footsteps sounded through the hall connecting with the control room, everyone was tense.
Harrison pulled himself off the floor, preparing himself for whatever came through the door. The steps grew louder, until they stopped outside the door. The door smashed open, and a small orb rolled into the room. It was the last thing on Harrison's mind.
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Sat Jun 07, 2008 2:42 am |
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Coded One
Joined: Sat Mar 15, 2008 10:32 pm Posts: 93
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Re: Sunrise, A Diversion
Harrison is fighting against the Kerrison... That's confusing, not very amusing. Quote: The planes were getting closer, and the drone of the engines could be heard like thunder. As they gathered over the base, little black canisters fell from the sky, like a bird that dropped it's meal. The bombs streaked out like metal confetti, The men in the control tower braced themselves on anything they could find. Harrison closed his eyes as the first bombs hit. The shockwave blew out the windows, spreading glass and dirt into the room. Outside, the air was on fire. The men ran around in chaos, trying to avoid one bomb, while running into another. As the planes left, Harrisons eyes were drawn to the horizon. Tanks and infantry dashed across the fields, like marathon runners at the gun. In the distance, artillery pieces opened fire, adding to the destruction brought on by the sky. The already smoky sky lit up with white trails of shells. Too many likes, lots of similes, try more metaphors (it really opens up your pores, okay I'll stop. Before I pop. Dammit...)
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Sat Jun 07, 2008 4:59 am |
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Seleia
Joined: Sun Jan 06, 2008 6:36 am Posts: 250
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Re: Sunrise, A Diversion
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Sat Jun 07, 2008 3:59 pm |
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Falcon X
Joined: Thu Aug 09, 2007 6:37 pm Posts: 889 Location: Not Jewtown.
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Re: Sunrise, A Diversion
Coded One wrote: Harrison is fighting against the Kerrison... That's confusing, not very amusing. Quote: The planes were getting closer, and the drone of the engines could be heard like thunder. As they gathered over the base, little black canisters fell from the sky, like a bird that dropped it's meal. The bombs streaked out like metal confetti, The men in the control tower braced themselves on anything they could find. Harrison closed his eyes as the first bombs hit. The shockwave blew out the windows, spreading glass and dirt into the room. Outside, the air was on fire. The men ran around in chaos, trying to avoid one bomb, while running into another. As the planes left, Harrisons eyes were drawn to the horizon. Tanks and infantry dashed across the fields, like marathon runners at the gun. In the distance, artillery pieces opened fire, adding to the destruction brought on by the sky. The already smoky sky lit up with white trails of shells. Too many likes, lots of similes, try more metaphors (it really opens up your pores, okay I'll stop. Before I pop. Dammit...) What? How is it confusing to you? Also 3 likes is not that bad.
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Sat Jun 07, 2008 4:08 pm |
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Coded One
Joined: Sat Mar 15, 2008 10:32 pm Posts: 93
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Re: Sunrise, A Diversion
I just had to rhyme, and there are too many likes, if it distracts the reader there are too many, it distracted me. There are too many.
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Sat Jun 07, 2008 6:21 pm |
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Ophanim
Joined: Wed Dec 26, 2007 6:33 am Posts: 1743 Location: Trapped in UCP. Send help.
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Re: Sunrise, A Diversion
The point he's trying to make is to not repeat yourself while writing. Damn dude I was gonna rewrite it to help you but that's ♥♥♥♥ awful writing.
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Mon Jun 09, 2008 6:20 pm |
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