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| Invasion - my cortex command short story http://45.55.195.193/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=5498 |
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| Author: | WAFFLEDOG222 [ Sun Jun 17, 2007 10:33 am ] |
| Post subject: | Invasion - my cortex command short story |
o.k, I have decided that I will make a story about the indigenous people from the 'planet' on cortex command. Chapter 1 - Waking up The bright morning sun shone onto Lysters face through the window "wake up sleepy head" Jessica whispered into his ear, Lyster turned to her and gave her a warming smile and sighed "hello stranger" they got up and got dressed in light cotton clothes. As they walked into the kitchen they turned the small t.v on, the news was showing an news update, "locals of Crabfish bay were shocked to be woken by a huge water collision in the middle of the night, emergency workers are scanning the bays bed to find what really went down, more to come later as it comes" the news reporter explained. "wonder what it could be" Jessica stated, "dunno, could just be a satellite crashing, you know, one of them weather satellites" Lyster replied. *knock* *knock* *knock* "someone's at the door" Lyster called out as he put his bread in the toaster "I'll get it" Jessica answered, she opened the door to see Lysters Sergeant Maxwell, standing there with a calm yet anxious face waiting, "hello, Jess, is Lyster home?" "yes sir, come on in" Jessica said nervously. Lyster saw the Sargent and stood up and saluted to him, Maxwell saluted back "Lyster, we are going to secure the bay" the Sergeant explained "whats the problem?" Lyster asked "our military space cannon got shot down, we don't know what shot it down" Maxwell added. -going to continue it tomorrow- |
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| Author: | Orindell [ Sun Jun 17, 2007 1:57 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
This is a very good story! Keep it up! |
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| Author: | venn177 [ Sun Jun 17, 2007 2:12 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
There's no yes button on your poll... |
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| Author: | PromoStarr [ Sun Jun 17, 2007 2:20 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
No really WTF?! |
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| Author: | venn177 [ Sun Jun 17, 2007 2:21 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
Meh. I guess it's okay, I read the *knock knock* part and once I saw that I just couldn't read it, I can only read stories when in a somewhat proper form. |
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| Author: | PromoStarr [ Sun Jun 17, 2007 2:34 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
Agreed, You need to lay it out like a story and not right like a little boy |
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| Author: | venn177 [ Sun Jun 17, 2007 2:35 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
Yeah, like the one I posted in the mature discussion. |
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| Author: | ProjektTHOR [ Sun Jun 17, 2007 2:39 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
Bad. Learn proper copy-editing and dynamics before you start writing stories :[ |
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| Author: | venn177 [ Sun Jun 17, 2007 2:40 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
ProjektTHOR, would you take a look at mine please, no one with any intelligence (or anyone for that matter) do I think has read the whole thing... It's in mature discussion. |
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| Author: | PromoStarr [ Sun Jun 17, 2007 2:50 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
No one IS gonna read that You should have posted in bitesize chunks |
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| Author: | venn177 [ Sun Jun 17, 2007 2:52 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
I would have but that's how much I had done at the time, I've done a lot more since then... |
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| Author: | 3 solid [ Sun Jun 17, 2007 3:13 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
I read this. Some of the storytelling could be better. Still, this sounds like it could be a good story. |
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| Author: | jaybud4 [ Sun Jun 17, 2007 6:25 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
Blah. Use proper form if you're going to write a story. Nobody wants to read something that doesn't make any sense because it's written oddly. |
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